The Burden of Perfection

I fear my daughter has inherited my weakness of desiring perfection. Maybe it's an older child trait or part of my parents' expectation of being the best, but always aiming for perfection is something I catch myself doing quite often.

Sure, I mostly brought home straight A's on my report card. I also dreaded bringing home that one B+. Worried that I had disappointed my parents. Knowing the look my dad would give me when he saw it. "Do better next time," he would say and sign my report card. Instead of enjoying learning (which I loved), I focused on the result. Yes, I'm a nerd and learning came easily. I never really had to study except to memorize dates and random facts. That meant I went to college with horrible study habits.

Last weekend when I attended the Passion Parties training in New Jersey, Sunday was entirely dedicated to Elizabeth Hagen, who spoke about organizing. She gave us all postcards with this quote:

I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business.
--Michael J. Fox

I immediately taped it to my computer monitor when I got home. I've known for a while that my desire for perfectionism gets in my way of success, of accomplishing all the things I want to with my life. Often times, the want for perfectionism paralyzes me. I am unable to take action for fear that it will not come out the way I wish it to be. So instead of enjoying the process I'll take to get there, I stress about the outcome.

There's a lot of self talk involved when I realize I'm stalling on a project for the very reason. (I think many perfectionists are also great procrastinators. Ha!) Maybe it's fear of what will happen once I complete the project. Human beings dislike change, even if it means it's for the better. I just have to write down what steps I need to take, then take the first step. Little steps don't seem so scary (like SARK's micromovements). Just focus on one step at a time.

So why this perfectionism talk? I fear Sophia may have inherited it from me. She is so bright, so inquisitive, wanting to grow up so fast! When we did arts & crafts before, she simply created just for the joy of it. Somewhere along the way, she has started focusing on the outcome.

She wants to be like me so much that she compares her art to mine. "I can't draw it. It won't be perfect," she said today. My heart broke. Three is too young to worry about perfectionism. I haven't forced my fight with perfectionism with her. With her art, I don't focus on how her paintings or projects look once completed. I usually tell her, "Tell me about your painting. What is your favorite part about it."

I'm not really sure how to change her view on making her art perfect. I'm worried it will seep into other aspects of her life. She wants to do so much and is so hard on herself. Today she refused to craft because it wouldn't come out perfect (her words). Then she got herself all worked up. She's upset because doesn't know how to write or read yet.

I tried to explain. "Three year olds aren't supposed to know how to read and write, sweetie. It takes a lot of practice to learn how to read and write. That's why you're starting preschool soon." I asked her if she wanted me to teach her how to write her name. I found some printables online for her to practice the letters in her name. (Great for her eye hand coordination by the way.)

That was a temporary resolution. I know that perfectionism is an ongoing battle for me. I don't want it to be one for her too. I'm just not sure how else I can teach her. Where should I go from here?